If you go first

You run the paperwork.
Hand them the map.

In most couples, one person carries the logins, the bills, and the locations of things. If that's you, your spouse needs five handoffs: the money map, the document locations, the access plan, the people to call, and what you want. One evening covers all five. Every tool below is free.

Handoff one

Where the money comes from and where it goes

Every account, both incomes, what's on autopay and from which account, when the mortgage and insurance hit, and where the emergency fund sits. If you handle the money, your spouse may genuinely not know which bank holds the checking. Write the map down; the inventory below structures it.

Handoff two

Where the documents live

The will, the advance directive, the power of attorney, the insurance policies, the deed. Your spouse needs the location more urgently than the contents. One binder, one shelf, named out loud once.

Handoff three

The access plan

Phone unlock, password manager emergency access, two-factor backup codes, and what happens to the accounts only you control. A surviving spouse locked out of the family photo library by a screen lock is one of the quiet cruelties of modern death. Set the emergency access up now; it takes twenty minutes.

Handoff four

The people to call

The attorney if you have one, the insurance agent, your HR contact for the group life policy and final paycheck, the accountant, the landlord or mortgage servicer, and the friend who knows how everything works. Names and numbers on paper, in the letter of instruction.

Handoff five

What you actually want

Burial or cremation, the service or no service, the songs, the money worth spending. A spouse who knows spends an afternoon arranging. A spouse who doesn't spends the worst week of their life guessing at $8,300 prices. Say it out loud once and write it down.

What happens to them

Their first weeks, so you know what you're preparing them for

They'll order death certificates, notify institutions one by one, claim the life insurance, and call Social Security about survivor benefits. Each step gets easier with the handoffs above done. Read their first week once, and the preparation stops being abstract.

Have the conversation while it's hypothetical

The handoff works best as a walkthrough, not a document dump. Sit down together, open the accounts, show them the binder, and let them ask the questions now, while you can still answer.