The short answer
Say you're sorry, say the person's name, and offer one specific thing with a day attached. Skip "everything happens for a reason," anything starting with "at least," and "let me know if you need anything." In a 1986 study, bereaved spouses and parents most often named advice and encouragement as the unhelpful things people did, and room to talk as the helpful one. The free tool below writes the lines for your exact situation.
Reviewed September 2026 · Sources: Lehman, Ellard, and Wortman, Social support for the bereaved (1986), AFSP, 10 ways to support a loved one who has lost someone to suicide (2016)
What to say to someone who is grieving, the full guide →What to say at a funeral →
Before you start
What What to Say helps you do
Pick who died, how close you are, and card, text, email, or in person. Get the lines to skip and the lines to write instead. Send it today, not after you've found the perfect words; there aren't any. Then put a reminder in your phone for a month from now and send one more.
Read the full guide →Free tool
What to Say
and what to skip, when someone you know is grieving.
Pick who died, how close you are, and whether it's a card, a text, an email, or the doorway at the funeral home. You get the lines that make it worse and five lines to write instead, with the one part only you can fill in marked. Free, no account, nothing leaves your browser.
Write this
- I'm so sorry about your mother.
- I keep thinking about your mother [one specific moment: where, when, what your mother said. A sentence, not a summary].
- I'd like to hear about your mother whenever you want to talk about your mother.
- I'll call Sunday, and every Sunday until you tell me to stop.
Put a reminder in your phone for one month from today and send one more message. Most people stop after the funeral, and the one who doesn't is the one they remember.
Skip these
- "Everything happens for a reason." It didn't, and they know it.
- "They're in a better place." The place they want them is here.
- Anything that starts with "at least." It shrinks the loss to make you comfortable.
- "I know exactly how you feel." You don't, even if you've buried the same relative.
- "Be strong." "Don't cry." Both tell them to grieve somewhere you can't see it.
- "It's time to move on." There is no schedule, and you aren't the one who keeps it.
- "Let me know if there's anything I can do." They won't. Offer one specific thing instead.
- "She lived a long life." "It was his time." Long lives are still over.
The part in [brackets] is the one thing only you can write: a specific memory. It's the line they'll keep. For the full guide to cards, texts, and the first conversation, read What to say to someone who is grieving.
Why the usual lines fail, and what the research says works
The study behind the skip list
In 1986, Darrin Lehman, John Ellard, and Camille Wortman asked 94 people who had lost a spouse or a child in a car crash four to seven years earlier to describe what the people around them had done, and to say which of it helped. The two things most often named as helpful were contact with someone who had been through the same loss and the chance to talk about it. Advice and encouragement were the things most often named as unhelpful. That's the whole design of this tool: fewer lines about how they should feel, more room for the name and the memory. Lehman, Ellard, and Wortman, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 1986.
The cards don't help. A 2022 study interviewed bereaved parents about the remarks that hurt, then read 170 Hallmark sympathy cards to see where those remarks come from. The cards leaned on time and healing, which is the same message as "you'll get better" and "move on," and only 12 of the 170 offered anything concrete to do. The parents said practical help was what mattered most in the early weeks. So write your own card, and put a day and a task in it. Calderwood and Alberton, Omega, 2022.
Card, text, email, or in person
Text today. A card is for the week after, when the house has gone quiet and the mail is the only thing that still comes. Email is for a coworker or someone far away, and the subject line is the person's name, nothing else. In person, at the funeral home, you get one sentence and then you stop talking; the family has been receiving sentences for six hours. The reception is where the stories belong. The full guide covers each one with examples: what to say to someone who is grieving and what to say at a funeral.
If the death was a suicide
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's guidance for supporting a suicide loss survivor is specific. Don't claim to know how they feel unless you are a loss survivor yourself; say instead, "I don't know what to say: I have no idea what you're going through, but I care about you and I want to be here for you." Say the person's name as you would after any other loss. Don't refer to the suicide as a selfish choice, a sin, an act of weakness, or a lack of faith, love, or strength, and don't ask whether they missed a warning sign; those questions feed self-blame. Don't wait to be asked; shop, cook, or babysit. And don't put a timeline on it. A suicide is never the result of one thing, and the person you're writing to may be at risk themselves: suicide loss survivors are. If they are struggling, or you are, calling or texting 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, is a reasonable thing to do. AFSP, October 4, 2016; AFSP, how to talk to a suicide loss survivor.
The longer guides
What to say to someone who is grieving, with card and text examples. What not to say to your widowed friends. Grief after losing a child, for what the parents in front of you are carrying. Grief after losing a pet. When it's your turn to speak, the eulogy builder. And for the family writing back afterward, the thank-you notes.
Sympathy questions
What people ask before they write.
Short answers. The research behind them is linked above.
What do you say to someone who is grieving?
Say you're sorry, say the person's name, and offer one specific thing with a day attached: "I'm bringing dinner Thursday." Then keep showing up after the funeral, when most people stop.
What should you not say to someone who is grieving?
"Everything happens for a reason," "they're in a better place," anything that starts with "at least," "I know exactly how you feel," and "let me know if you need anything." Advice and encouragement were what bereaved spouses and parents in a 1986 study most often named as unhelpful.
What do you write in a sympathy card?
Three or four sentences in your own handwriting: the sorrow with the name in it, one specific memory, permission to talk about the person, and what you'll do next and when. Skip the printed verse; the study of 170 sympathy cards found the healing-and-time message in them is the same message that hurts.
What do you text someone whose parent just died?
Two lines, today: "I'm so sorry about your mom. No reply needed." Add one concrete offer if you can keep it. The text is for right now; the card can come next week.
What do you say to someone who lost someone to suicide?
Say the person's name as you would after any other loss, and if you don't know what to say, say that. Never ask why or how, never name a cause, and never call it a choice; a suicide is never the result of one thing. Suicide loss survivors are themselves at raised risk, so 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, is a reasonable number to pass along.
The full guide, with examples →