How to Talk to Your Parents About End-of-Life Planning, Step by Step

In The Conversation Project’s national survey, 92 percent of Americans say it’s important to talk about their wishes for end-of-life care, and 32 percent have had that conversation.^[1] The same 2018 survey found more than half of Americans, 53 percent, would feel relieved if a loved one started it.^[2]

Your parents may be waiting for you to go first. Here’s how to start, what to cover, and how to turn the answers into a plan.

A main reason people put it off, The Conversation Project found, is that it feels too soon.^[2] Families also assume they already know what a parent would want. They’re often wrong: in one study cited by the National Institute on Aging, people guessed nearly one out of three end-of-life decisions for a loved one incorrectly.^[3]

The institute says people who talk about their future medical care and put a plan in place are more likely to get the care they want, and that it can help their families grieve with less burden, guilt and depression.^[3]

Do the thing you’re about to ask them to do. Name your own health care agent, sign your own documents, and write down where your papers are. Then the conversation opens with something you’ve already done.

The National Institute on Aging says advance care planning is for any age, because a medical crisis can leave anyone unable to make their own health care decisions.^[3]

Choose a calm, private time with nowhere else to be, before a hospital visit forces the subject. Then open with a reason that’s yours:

• “I just finished my own will and health care forms. Can I ask you how you’ve set yours up?”
• “A friend’s dad went into the hospital and nobody knew what he wanted. I don’t want that to be us.”
• “If something happened and you couldn’t speak for yourself, who would you want making the calls?”

Ask what matters to them before you ask about paperwork. The documents follow from the answers.

1. Medical care. What treatment they’d want or refuse if they were seriously ill and couldn’t speak, and who should make those decisions for them. That person is called a health care proxy, agent or surrogate.^[3][4]
2. Money and legal documents. Whether they have a will, a durable power of attorney for finances, and a living trust, and who they named in each.^[4]
3. Where the papers are. The will with its original signature, insurance policies, account information, deeds and titles, and the key to any safe deposit box.^[4] They don’t have to tell you what’s in the accounts, only where to find the papers.^[4]
4. The funeral. Burial or cremation, the kind of service, and any religious or cultural traditions they want followed.^[4] How to pre-plan a funeral covers the rest.

You don’t have to finish in one sitting. One topic a visit is still progress.

The conversation is the most important part of advance care planning, the National Institute on Aging says, and the documents make it official.^[3] The common ones:

• A living will tells doctors which treatments to use or avoid, and when.^[4]
• A durable power of attorney for health care names the health care proxy.^[4]
• A durable power of attorney for finances names someone to make financial decisions when your parent can’t.^[4]
• A will says who gets the estate and can cover funeral wishes. Without one, state law decides.^[4]

Your parents don’t need a lawyer for the health care documents. Most states provide the forms for free, and people can complete them themselves.^[4] Each state has its own signing rules, such as witnesses or a notary, so use the form and rules for the state they live in. How to get power of attorney for a parent covers who can sign and when.

Once the forms are signed, the National Institute on Aging says to make copies, store them somewhere safe, and give copies to the health care proxy, the doctors and the lawyer.^[3] If the originals sit in a bank safe deposit box, keep copies at home.^[4]

Then put a date on the calendar. The institute suggests reviewing advance directives at least once a year and after a major life event such as retirement, a move to another state, or a significant change in health.^[3]

Accept the no calmly, and say you’ll come back to it. Then come back with one smaller question. Who would they want to speak for them in a hospital? Where’s the will? A practical question about who to call can be easier to answer than a question about dying.

If a parent’s memory or judgment is slipping, don’t wait long. Signing a power of attorney takes the capacity to understand what it does.^[5] If a parent can no longer sign, the family may need a court to name a guardian. What happens when a parent can no longer sign covers the process.

MORTL’s free planning checklist lists every document and step in one place. Its free builders make a will, a living will, a health care power of attorney and a financial power of attorney, and the last three show the signing rules for your parents’ state. Their state guide covers the rest of the state’s rules.